Choosing my time


The summer holidays are over and the artist who is freelance-Maria, is back in her multiple offices. Today is another day in admin-town, and I am currently on my third cup of coffee, sitting in a sunlit kitchen with very good company (the curtains are closed, so it is not actually sunlit - saying it was just looked better). I have been trying to write lately, but it has been very hard! I have had the desire to pin down some of the things I have learnt over the past few months - as I sometimes do, but somehow I haven't found the right words. The sentences have felt forced and as if I have been trying to sound interesting or wise. It has been as if I have wanted to portray my reality in a way that captured reality, but that somehow got lost in the attempt. Because my reality is my reality, and the words used to explain it, is not.

Ouf! I am now once again trying to give the words another chance. I hope that even if they can't capture everything, maybe they can give you a little glimpse of something. Here we go ;)

The past few months I have lost track of time in a way I haven't experienced in forever. I have lost a piece of the control I never had in the first place, and acknowledged that I cannot take in everything at once. In the same way as I can't use all the words in the world to pin down everything that has happened lately, I can't do everything that life has to offer at once. I need to choose my time in the same way as I need to choose my words.

Two years into freelancing, I am starting to accept that since I can't do everything at once, and really do need to CHOOSE MY TIME, I have to actually live in the chosen time. This summer I chose to relax - fully and shamelessly. I chose to go for walks, play yatzy (probably 30+ hours of yatzy), eat ice cream and watch sunsets. I chose to dance when I wanted to and to do nothing if that was what I wanted. I chose to do what I needed, and you know what? I really did need it. I have felt free. I feel free. Free from the pressure I had become almost addicted to put on myself.

Yes, you are right, I needed this summer more than I thought I did.

I am now trying to stay in this wonderful summer-mode, even if work is slowly crawling up on me. I am trying to choose my time. I am trying to do what I can with what I have. I am trying to allow that to be enough. But to be honest... when I first realised that the summer break was coming to an end and I once again had a million things on my to do-lists, "choosing my time" didn't feel so reassuring.

Well, I am choosing it anyway. Unless I want to once again be overwhelmed by "everything at once", I do really need to choose my time. Make a plan, reevaluate the plan, let go of the plan, do what I need to do, dance, rest and more importantly; live. Life is more than just working (surprise surprise), and working as a dance artist is more than just dancing. I have called myself "the artist who", because I strongly believe that all the different aspects of dance are just as valuable. I just need to remind myself that I can't do it all at once. I can only do a little bit of everything. And I can only do a little bit of everything if I choose to do it one step at a time.. if I allow my love for dance to be communicated in all the different moments, and if I allow life itself to be the dance.

Here you will find the-not-at-all-overwhelming-list of what I will spend the upcoming months doing:

The artist who will..
... continue working as a co-producer for Dans/5 2019
... start planning Dans/5 2020
... continue working in the ballet shop "Blå Fugl"
... continue teaching "Dans med Maria" for 70-90 years old women every week
... start teaching two classes of Ballet Technique and one class of Pointe Work every week
... travel to the west-coast of Norway to dance as Huldra
... complete the second half of my one year Dance- and Movement Therapy study
... be a performer in the development of the Dis_func project led by Carl Aquilizan
... develop the work "Hver gang vi danses" alongside the other artists involved
... develop my own solo practice
... ++++ all the other invisible work required in #thesecretlifeofafreelancer
... live

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